The kids and I were at the pool at my brothers house. I am putting toys away and the biggest snake I have seen in a VERY long time practically slithers over my foot to get out of where I was, and the kids were a few minutes before (Oy). My chest tightened. Crap, what do I do now? I yell to my sister-in-law who happened to be outside that there was a "Snnnaaaaaake" (Inside joke from the last time I got cornered by a snake in her basement) She comes down to see the snake and then all of us agree that Pop Pop (my dad) needs to come and get the snake and take it over to the woods away from the pool house. He does his manly man thing and not only gets the snake away from the building, but is brave enough to hold this at least 5ft snake so that the kids can all "ohhhh" and "aaahhhh" and touch it. I even told him- "I'd make a terrible man- I'm not sure I could have done that!" He rolled his eyes, because I'm ridiculous, and puffed up his chest… yup, he is the man.
Fast forward a week or so… In this time, I actually say out loud to someone- "Yeah, there are snakes over here (around the corner from my house) but I haven't seen any over at our house…" Not quite smug, but defiantly delusional and caused Karma to come after me. I pretty much asked for it.
Tuesday, July, 1 2014. I watch my niece and nephew one day a week during the summer. They had just been dropped off and went around the back of the house to play. I talk for a minute to my sister and then she leaves. I go around back to rally the troops and see what they are up to. Cooper J is sitting down in the middle of the yard crying. He is 2 and sometimes throws fits when he doesn't get to say goodbye to people before they leave so I assumed it was that since he didn't say bye to my sister. I yell "Whats wrong buddy" to which he, through tears, says "Bite me" while pointing to something a few feet away. I thought it might have been a bee or something so I yell back from the deck "What bit you?" He cries back at me "Snake bite me" Well that got my full attention… I yell back as I'm running to him "A WHAT BIT YOU!!!!????? " He looked at me like I had two heads because I'm running at him with probably a freaked out face… "the snake" and pointed again to right next to him.
Sure enough… A FLIPPING SNAKE!!!! A SNAKE BIT MY BABY!!!! Holy crap. What do I do??!! Step 1. Remove the kid from two feet away from the snake that just bit him and is still coiled and pulsing. It did not look happy.
Step 2. Take a pic of the snake and text to everyone to find out type of snake because I DON'T HAVE A CLUE what kind of snake it is!!! Not to mention what to do now that he has been bit. Turns out it was a Garder snake and is harmless… unless you are 2 and step on it and try to pick it up. Funny, because that is what he just watched my Dad do about a week before to pick up the giant snake at the pool. Pretty smart that kid… minus the try to pick up a snake part. Step 3. Go to ER (by direction of pediatrician and urgent care nurse when I kept trying to dodge the ER) to get bite check out.
Thursday July 3, 2014. I had yard work to do before Eric came home for the weekend. I have a "Mothers helper" babysitter come over to help with the kids while I'm outside trying to get things done. I have my headphones, I have a class of water, I go to pull the tarp off of the lawn mower and BAM….
another snake!!!!!
Seriously??!!! Another flipping snake! Now I am trapped. I am all set to mow the lawn, and am cornered by this snake that has weaved its way into the side vent of the mower. What to do… What to do… Husband is in New York, Brother in law is at work, Dad isn't answering phone… I'm starting to think I'm going to have to deal with this myself. CRAP. Finally, I get a hold of my brother. ME: Are you home? Him: No, (whispering) I'm at the chiropractor, whats up? Me: I have a snake situation and I am a big WEENIE and can't just grab it. Come help me please!! Him: Sorry! (as he chuckles) I'm not home. Just poke it with a stick or something. Me: Aww Man… Another desperate call to my Dad and leave a pathetic message ending with "HELP ME!!" and I am forced to take matters into my own hands. No, not hands literally- as I am now completely disappointed in myself because I am a big fat chicken. I grabbed a rake and, leaning over as far as I can while holding the stick end of the rake all the way out, poke the snake. I'm not sure what I expected to happen- normally when you poke a wild animal, they get scared and run away. Nope, no such luck. The dang thing didn't even move! I thought, maybe it's dead and I can just grab it- but first... maybe I should poke it again just to be sure. It was not dead. It moved just a little but now I was just getting frustrated because I was so lame and was wasting time! I thought, maybe I can hook it with a prong of the rake and kind of fling it off to the side… seriously, it couldn't be that easy. No, as soon as I tried to hook it, it moved further into the engine. I flip the hood open (with the rake- I'm still a big weenie) and am trying to see where it went, I poke around some more see it move and then poke some more and then lost where it went. Crap. Now I'm not sure where it is, I've pissed it off by poking at it with a rake, and now in order to start the engine and get moving (or secretly maybe hoping that the engine somehow flings it out and away from me) I have to push down a pedal to put my ankle directly next to the last place I saw the pissed off snake. Awesome. I did the whole "I only need 20 second of insane bravery- circa "We bought a zoo" movie" and did it. I'm pretty sure I held my breath the whole time while mentally chanting "Please don't bite me, please don't bite me" Engine started, snake was still MIA, and I was able to zip off and get my yard work done- only 35 minutes behind schedule. Bravery level, 3 out of 10. Still disappointing.
Today, July 7, 2014. Today the boys found a snake skin. I'm pretty sure the snakes are now just messing with me. What is worse, seeing the snake and knowing where to avoid or to call a brave man to come help remove said snake or to only see the skin- knowing that it is out there just waiting and being all sneaky hiding where I least expect it then BAM- snake in your face!!
I am aware that I have now blown the whole snake thing out of proportion, and that the snakes that I have had to encounter solo have been pretty small, non venomous and Cooper J's bite could have been much worse, but I have decided to get some gloves to make me brave. You know the black butcher kind that come up to your armpits and that will make me more tough for next time. Thats right- next snake that I come across- watch out. I'm going to pick you up and let the kids pet you for a while. Teach 'em a lesson or two about coming in to my yard!! Yeah right, I'll probably still chicken out and call for help or leave it alone and pretend I didn't see it. Dang, I'm such a weenie.
S.
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