How does this crap keep happening to me? Literally- Crap. I feel like I'm a pretty tough cookie, but some days make me wonder how I haven't lost my mind yet.
Today's outings... Target, Walmart, Hobby Lobby (equivalent to AC Moore).
The first two places were great... although I did get a few too many prizes, but we were having fun so I went with it. Then we hit Hobby Lobby and the little people who hold my sanity in the palm of their little hands decided they had been good for too long and now I was going to pay.
Usually when they cry or throw fits they take turns- a tag team effort, as I like to call it. Not today. Today they both cried, fussed, whined, touched everything, and made me repeat myself 100 times the entire time at the store all at the same time.
I needed 3 items from the store. Should have been easy, but alas, nothing ever is. We finally make it back to the cake decorating supplies, last on the list, (I needed to get fondant to attempt to make little decorations for Cooper's birthday cupcakes next week) I didn't know what kind of coloring to use so I call my sister, at which point I tell her over Cooper screaming at the top of his lungs, "Cooper is freaking out and I'm going to punch him in the face". Frazzled- um, yeah. (Disclaimer: I would never actually punch my kids in the face... it might leave a mark. J/K) I get the information I needed from her and all the while I was on the phone Mason was pushing the cart around in the isle... he was happy so I was going with it. In my frazzled state I missed the point when he stopped pushing the cart and climbed underneath the cart. Anyone who has a child who is of the potty training age can recognize what is happening. OMG he just pooped his pants. Son of a....
Ok, recap time... Cooper is still freaking out and I just saw Mason poop his pants... while we are on isle number "this can't possibly get any worse"in the store. Oh wait, it can.... and it does.
I drag the boys and cart to the bathroom. The doorway is positioned conveniently so that a cart doesn't really fit... me in a panic nearly took out a wall trying to make it fit. Then I have to back out and leave the cart. Looking back, I'm not really sure why I was rushing, the damage was already done. I go into the handicap stall so I don't have to make Cooper sit on the back of the toilet in order for all of us to fit. Seriously, who designs these stalls!! The bathroom is disgusting. Let me repeat- disgusting. I debate for a minute of just rolling with the poop and dealing with it in the parking lot, but to be honest- he stinks so I have to deal with it asap. I take off his pants and underoo's to deal with it all. He magically develops octopus arms and wants to touch everything... unraveling the toilet paper, including the dreaded "sanitary disposal bucket"(shudder). I am in this crazy crouch with Cooper (still crying) balanced on my knee all twisted so that neither of us are touching the floor and that I am guaranteed to have a sore everything later. Mason is spread eagle getting cleaned up and he asks "what about my underwear?" I say "Sorry buddy- those are headed to the trash" At this point, once he realized that I was going to throw out his beloved "Hulk" underwear, he LOST. HIS. SHIT. Pardon my french, but there is no other way to describe the level of melt down that was thrown down. I was holding him up by his arm because he was trying to throw himself on the floor. I would rather face a dislocated shoulder than the idea of his bare skin on that floor.
Now it was my turn to make a decision. Deal with underwear and make him happy enough to make it to the check out counter or chuck them and deal with this epic performance ditch the stuff I had picked out to buy and run out of the store in shame. I am a trooper. I am fearless. I am a Mom who will do almost anything (and this tests the limit of anything) to make my kids happy. This would explain why my hand was in a public toilet today. I did it. I washed out the underwear. I then washed them in the sink and put them in my purse. Thats right- I washed poopie underwear in one of the worlds most disgusting bathrooms toilet, rinsed them again in the sink and then put them in my purse. I think I still might be in shock. There is not enough hand sanitizer in the world to erase the coodies that I now have. On top of all of that, Cooper cried through the entire event.
I grabbed my stuff and headed for the check out counter. On my way there, Mason was required to sit in the cart because he still had octopus arms and it was either put him in the cart or give him away. This is when he cried again, giving my boys the award for most annoying kids in the store. There were a few people giving the judgy "whats wrong with those kids" looks which I promptly returned the "If you even think about saying something to me about these kids I will rip off your face" look. I was in that kind of mood at this point.
I finally got checked out and as soon as I get outside I realize I lost my sunglasses somewhere, I assumed in the bathroom since it was such a fiasco. We had a moment where both boys stopped crying and were happy so I figured if I ran I could be in and out in 3 minutes. I run back to the bathroom and look for the glasses- not there. Dang. I tell another woman what I was looking for and she smiled, gave me a knowing, kind, "I've been there" look and said "they are hooked in your back pocket.
So in the end I got a laugh, but I'm still looking for the humor in the rest of it.... it's taking me a while, but I will find it. Oh wait, I had my hand in a public toilet and wet, pooped in underwear in my purse... there it is! Ha Ha.
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